By: Raqif Makhdoomi
“How will I counsel Him”. The thought that kept hitting me hard. While I was on my way to kupwara. Where I was to meet my friend, who lost his mother. Just a day before. I am not an emotional guy. Frankly speaking, for me death is one of the processes of life. But this time, I don’t know what hit me. He calls me “Dada” & treats me as his elder brother. My heart wept while my eyes refused to have tears. While I am writing the article. He’s just in front of me crying and wiping his tears. What’s killing me is “I can’t counsel him”. I have nothing to say. I am just sitting, writing the article and letting him cry. I feel helpless and hopeless. He started to sing “mohabbat ka sahar mil gaya hota ” , started to cry and wiping his tears. Remember that silent crying? That’s what he was doing. I was even unable to tell him “Stop crying “. Because he has every reason to cry.
While I reached kupwara he came to pick me up. From the bus stand. I for the first time saw him not smiling. His first glance gave me the sense of, what he’s going through. That’s for sure he must be going through because he has lost his mother. I want to cry but then who will ask him to not to cry and to wipe off his tears. I made sure he laughs. But I know it’s just his facial expressions but his heart his crying. I can’t even say anything to him for that. His eyes are craving for his mother and his heart his craving for the peace that only his mother’s huge could have given him. But he can’t get that huge. I see everyone being so humble to him but at the end. Everyone shall be busy with his / her daily life and he shall be alone to deal with what he has lost.
The graveyard his mother is buried is near, we made multiple visits to do one thing or other. And each visit is eyes were filled with tear. That’s what he himself couldn’t control. His mother is under the soil and he no longer can huge her or call her “Mama “. What’s killing me how will be fell coming home and not finding his mother there.
While I enter home, the first thing I want to see is my mom. I can feel what he’ll go through. He has hopes with me. But how will I be able to help him with this. This is what is making my heart pain and I don’t have pain killers for my own pain. I have never felt as helpless as I am this time. I have nothing to tell him. I have nothing to counsel him. All I can do is look at him while he’s crying. Imagine someone has pined his /her hope in you and you are unable to do anything? I want to punch the wall just to get ride of whatever is going in my mind. But I can’t do that. How do I explain him why did I do that? I have no answers for him and for myself. I want to counsel him, ask him to stop crying. But what stops me is. What if he asks me “Will Maa come back if I stop crying ”? For this I can tell him crying won’t get her either. But he could reply me saying “At least this makes me fight my pain”. How do I reply to this? My mind is a mess and I don’t know how to get rid of this mess. I used to have answers for his all questions. But for this question, I have no answer.
For the first time something has made me numb. I have failed as an elder brother. I have broken his hopes.
All I can do is pray and sit on his side.
—The writer is a law student
